Megan (maefourtwenty) wrote,
Megan
maefourtwenty

sucks

I don't know what I was thinking when I opted to bang out biology over the summer. I've never taken an intensive course and so far it's bruising me. I think my largest frustration is the speed and shape of the course, knowing every moment is crucial and every ounce of lecture I will be tested on leaves zero room for breathing. I find myself dizzy and anxious within the first 10 minutes of the day, I leave and literally have to go into a coma before resuming my day because I am so overloaded. Tests are laced with cramming and crying, labs are rushed and unorganized. I feinted today.

I didn't have an exciting college experience, its been really messy and confusing and ultimately a really lonely experience, but through it all I've managed to excel everywhere I've studied. I deserve to say that at least. I think knowing that this lagging gen ed course is going to give my GPA a nosedive is really fucking with me. I don't care, a B won't do, and I know that makes me sound ridiculous, but it's been my one goal throughout these past 4 years; prove to yourself that you can get A's despite your mental barriers.

This is all me. I can't blame or rely on any other factors. I'm hovering. This is what happens when I face a truth: maybe I really am not smart.
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