Megan (maefourtwenty) wrote,


This is going to be a hardly organic experience, but I gotta do it. I always look back to past years/entries and am so happy I captured certain experiences and thankful for my perseverance in autobiographical-meganjargan-journalism. I will always have these entries.

Today I really felt depressed for about 30 minutes on an evening drive home. This isn't a bad thing. I've been treated for a little over 6 months now, between psychiatrists and starting new therapy next month. This sounds like a lot, and I actually should be doing more. I faced some severe panic attacks once I graduated college, completely debilitating, mind fucking attacks that resulted in a hard blow to my self confidence and overall well being. I continued to work, I have a pretty rad gig at a publishing company, but I became a really boxed in person. To work and home. To work and home. Anything else just made me so dizzy and overwhelmed. This sucked, and currently sucks, but I am hoping this is just a college-to-work transition side effect that will direct me in a path to greater self discovery and a more well rounded attitude toward mental disorders, towards people, towards life in general. I have gained a lot out of this experience, and I have come a long way in 6 months. This sounds like a very short amount of time, but living with this disorder is literally a minute at a time battle. Learning to be open and taking strides to be healthy is something I've been taking really seriously. Having said that, I do slip of course. There are days I am completely self-indulgent, sometimes cruel to myself, and can I just say I'e been having a really freak streak with watching horror movies lately. I blame the meds. Theyve made me a little desensitized to things, thus I seek out stirring things to evoke emotion.

God damn I need to go back to school.

But first I must relearn how to LJ write. I've done nothing in here today but run-ons and partial thoughts. Theres just so much to cover since I've really sat down and went for it in this white space. White space. I used an adjective.

Poetry may take a bit longer to get back into.

Where was I going with this.
I was depressed today, because, A) when doesn't autumn make people depressed, it's the season that brings sheer happiness and utter melancholy on the same playing field. B) I knew I was driving home to be alone. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of a year and I have learned how fucking important it is to let go and be independent, but when it all comes down to it a sunday night is just so much better as a cuddle session. someone to bounce to echo. but other than that, fuck it. C) Cunt.

Day 1 - hooray.
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